CAWTHON'S CATHARSIS - I Wouldn't be Paranoid if it Weren't for the Plots


By Jack Cawthon

I view life as a vast conspiracy. Ever since Eve and the serpent conspired to pay Adam back for his ribbing, we have lived under the curse.

In a recent column, which you certainly will want to scroll down and reread if you haven't already printed it out for handy reference, I wrote about the government imposing restrictions on the sale and, hence, export of ginseng. At the time, this appeared to be only another case of government meddling which, as usual, would bring hardship on poor people, most notably the sturdy mountaineers who have always dug and sold the roots for a little extra cash income.

Most of the export of the roots has gone to China in years past, where the Chinese men seem to consider ginseng aiding in a function better left explained on TV than here as kids might read this and snicker, as they know more than I do.

I have an astute reader, which may be misleading as all of you who read this stuff are or you wouldn't, who states that there is a difference in "fertility" and "virility," but my conception is that you can't have one without the other. Be that as it may, I don't intend to inquire that closely as to what the Chinese do, as I don't speak Chinese, except to order in a Chinese restaurant.

It never dawned on me that the government might have a clever plan in mind when it imposed the restrictions, which still leaves hope for the war in Iraq. That is, until I read a story in the Wall Street Journal, where I get most news and all of my capitalistic views, with exception for the Herald where with Tony Russell's guidance my capitalism is sort of leveled out.

The headline was "U.S. Rates High in Fertility." A graph showing fertility in major countries has only India above the United States.

To quote the lead in the WSJ story: "The U.S., bucking a global trend, is the only major economic power these days with fertility rates high enough to keep the size of its work force relatively constant as the population ages, and that portends continued prosperity, a report says."

The report cited fertility rates that are declining in other major countries while the pool of older, non-working citizens expands. This imbalance threatens their economic strength, according to the report.

And, here if you have the mind of a conspirator, you can begin to see the plot our government has bred. Instead of penalizing our ginseng diggers, the government is providing for their economic future by holding back the means of expansion of foreign populations, most notably the Chinese.

Chinese imports have flooded out markets in recent years, displacing goods made in this country. Even Wal-Mart, American as apple pie and Volkswagen, has fallen prey to the goods made and sold cheaper.

As the Chinese have long believed in the power of ginseng, for whatever reasons, and I might add without FDA approval, we are holding back a means of furthering their basic instincts and the resultant end products, thereby ensuring our lead in the world economy.

Could George Bush have thought of this? Nah, not a chance! I rather suspect Bob Dole, another good Republican, who wants all good American men to come to the aid of their country, while, at the same time, contributing to the coffers of the major drug companies. What could be more American?

Now, with the Chinese plot exposed, who can say there isn't more government intrigue afloat? I can, as I have another one.

Again, I read about it in the Wall Street Journal. In a column, titled Science Journal, I found this revelation: "While storms, such as Hurricane Katrina are sometimes called an act of God or a natural disaster, the devastation they leave behind is not. Some scientists believe even the storms themselves could be at least partly man-made."

Aha! Continuing: "As Theodore Steinberg argues, God is getting a bum rap. 'This is an unnatural disaster, if ever there was one, not an act of God,' says Prof. Steinberg, an environmental historian at Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland."

Well, that is all I needed to read, as it fit my belief to a tee. There was more explaining the professor's reasoning, but I didn't need it. He had verified my own belief that there was a conspiracy behind Hurricane Katrina.

Do you think it was an accident that all those refineries got hit, and oil became scarce, thereby driving up prices? Of course not. Beyond all doubt the hurricane was created by the major oil companies. Once you become aware of the circumstance behind what otherwise appear to be random happenings, you can begin to see the logic of my thinking.

My major project over several years has been the research of one of the nation's greatest conspiracies, the Kennedy assassination. I have proven beyond a doubt that Oswald was assisted by a second shooter on the grassy knoll, and that person was none other than John Wilkes Booth, who shot President Lincoln. Booth was a serial presidential assassin and may still be in our midst. You can read about my findings in my book soon to be published, as soon as I find a publisher who is willing to print the truth. Or, if you wish, catch it later as a movie.

Hur Herald from Sunny Cal
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