By Tony Russell
"Good to see so many of you here in the White House chapel for our first annual faith-based press conference. I'm ready for the tough questions, so let's get started. Who wants to go first?"
"I will, sir. Mr. President, now that we have proof that you lied repeatedly to manipulate the nation into war with Iraq, do you think it would be appropriate to ask for forgiveness for all the thousands of people who have been killed, blinded, crippled, maimed, widowed, orphaned, or otherwise harmed by your actions?"
"I'm glad you asked that. See, most people don't understand that you have to break eggs to bake a cake. When I hit the floor beside my bed every night, I think of that cake, and pray the Lord my soul to bake. Next question?"
"Yes, sir. I wonder if I might follow up on that issue a bit. You've come out staunchly against abortion and stem cell research, saying that you would do everything in your power to protect life. How do you square the hundred thousand or more deaths you are directly and deliberately responsible for with what you have said is your commitment to life?"
"That's a good question, Ted. Let me respond by asking you a question: Who let you in here? Will somebody please escort him out the door and replace him with an embedded reporter? Thanks. Somebody else?"
"Over here, sir. As you know, your administration systematically plans, carries out, and attempts to justify cruel and barbaric treatment of prisoners; it brushes off the deaths of the innocent in war as collateral damage; and it strongly supports the death penalty for a wide variety of offenses. Some people claim these actions are unthinkable for a true follower of Christ, who let himself be tortured and crucified rather that strike his enemies. Would you care to comment on that?"
"Where are these people coming from? Where are all the usual reporters, who ask me if I had a nice vacation and whether the economy is going to improve and stuff like that? I don't know whose idea this thing was, but heads are going to roll. Yes, you over there by the window."
"Thank you, Mr. President. The Bible speaks often of the evil of pursuing riches and worldly gain, yet you and your family throw yourselves wholeheartedly into growing ever richer. Your administration is remarkable for the extent to which it favors the rich at the expense of everyone else. How do you square your personal and political behavior with Biblical values?"
"I'm glad this is a country—and a news conference, for that matter—where we can talk about Biblical values. I used to be a doper and a drunk, but once Jesus came into my heart, I found new peace, as well as a piece of the ownership of the Texas Rangers. He has blessed me with the chance to cut some really nifty deals. See, God looks after those who look out for Him. The Golden Rule: you slap my back and I'll slap yours. A lot of people don't understand that."
"Mr. President, I was wondering if it bothers you to cynically exploit the trust of decent, ordinary churchgoers, like those women in the choir in Nashville, for example?"
"I'll have to check with my spiritual advisors on that. I'll get back to you."
"Mr. President! Mr. President!"
"Will you all stop waving your hands for a minute! I'm looking for that fake reporter we planted in here, and I can't see him if you're going to keep jumping around. Oh, there he is. I've spotted him. Tell me, what question do you have for me today, Ed?"
"Mr. President, I wonder if it bothers a born-in-the-blood, Bible-believing Christian like yourself to be second-guessed by a bunch of atheistic progressives, Bible-burning liberals, and anti-Christ Democrats?"
"Well, praise the Lord, it's about time. That's the kind of fair and well-balanced question we're looking for. Let me just say I want to make it clear right now that I don't think every Democrat is necessarily the spawn of Satan. Some of them voted for me. On the other hand, it stands to reason that opposition to my God-driven agenda has to originate somewhere. That's all I've got to say; people can draw their own conclusions.
"One more question. You there in the back row."
"Mr. President, where do you stand on the separation of church and state?"
"Whoa, looks as if we've run out of time! Let's wrap things up. Reverend Dotson, would you lead us in closing prayer?"
© Tony Russell, 2005