(05/08/2018)
By Jack Cawthon 2017
bbqrun@hotmail.com

I was sitting in the Over Easy Inn in Big Puf having an over easy coffee when Laser Pratlow came barging through the door. The patrons behind me slowly slid into invisible shadows like they do in the old westerns when a shoot-out is evident in the local saloon.

Laser had been in a heap of trouble a few years back after he had shot the Reverend Les Pedeza's revival tent full of holes over on Little Wheeze Crick. It occurred during a meeting when a capacity crowd filled the tent.

Laser claimed he had caught Pedeza attempting to convert "his woman" in his conversion van. Voy Dire, noted local attorney, had won an acquittal for Laser, declaring "temporary insanity." A few years later Voy would lose his law license for permanent insanity, but Laser always claimed he brought more people to the Lord that night than Pedeza had in all his years in the ministry as everyone was praying not to be shot.

I sat there sipping my coffee as Laser approached, figuring that I had two options. One, I had already outlived my life expectancy as determined by insurance and government statistics.

Two, if I were killed the Herald would have a major scoop as no other news source covers Big Puf, including the Charleston Gazette, treating the place as if it never existed. I also figured that Bob Weaver might run a memorial in my name to raise money to keep the Herald going, as all of my old columns have not been rerun yet. Ah, the price of immortality!

But Laser sauntered over, stuck out his hand, and said he had hoped to run into a fake news reporter. I assured him that he couldn't have found a better one as I had served years on the government Payroll issuing "press releases" and you couldn't get more faker than that.

He said he had been watching TV and had seen a woman, Kellyanne he thought was her name, talking to all those fake news reporters about how one could have their own realities, "alternator realities" sounded like to him and he wanted to have some of those and he wondered if Trumpcare would provide them.

When he mentioned Kellyanne my aged heart began to beat wildly. She is the Trumpett who was for some time a spokesperson for the president and she talked and talked so good!

I never understood what it was she was saying and neither did those fake news reporters as they all looked bewildered, but she said it so good! Yes, at my age shame of shame, I was smitten by Kellyanne.

I know a man has to be careful nowadays how he evaluates a woman's assets, but I was just overwhelmed by Kellyanne not only with her speech, but, blush, all of her as I am certain Fox news reporters were also.

But, alas, Kellyanne seems to be out of the limelight. I can only assume she has entered another reality along with the president and Congress as each daily seems to bear out the, well, a choice of reality of the moment.

Laser suddenly brought me back to an alternate realty: could I advise him how to go about making selections of reality?

I told him that this was one of the issues that needed to be ironed out in Trumpcare and that it looked as if Congress, allow practicing it, hadn't yet figured how to distribute it. He said he hoped it could be provided soon as he was needing to find a new one after his field crop of herbal plants had been confiscated by law enforcement.

I told him not to worry that it was all like smoke in the wind and it sounded like he had found a form of reality that might even be beneficial in usage to both the president and Congress as it couldn't be worse than the reality they are now both harboring.

He looked at me funny and said I was beginning to sound like Kellyanne. I thanked him, but told him I would never have her other credentials. As Laser shook hands with me, others patrons were beginning to emerge.

As Homer Bob brought me another cup of coffee I pondered how Bob Weaver might raise money for the Herald now that I had survived another life threatening adventure in Big Puf. If he stages a fund raiser for the Herald, please contribute as I have selected a reality that I might become a writer someday!

It's only a matter of time...and reality.


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