FROM EARLIER TIMES - GIVE US NEELY (Refers to Sen. Matthew M. Neely)OR GIVE US BIGGER FROGS
Dear Editor,
The man talking about the road from Grantsville to Cleo Gainers
doesn't know the half of it. The only way travel
is possible from Mr. Gainers to Mt. Zion is in an extra high wheel
truck or to follow a Bull Noser to take the rocks
and clods out of the way. The rocks are so big they have been
known to puncture a spare tire on a truck. Do not
try to travel this road without extra high wheels, a bull noser,
plenty of tire pumps, extra tires, and a good bathing
suit, and BE SURE that you are a good swimmer. Ira Hardman has
tried to keep the road supplied with frogs to
drink the water, but the poor froggies have all bursted long ago. If
something isn't done pretty soon, we are going
to trade our cars for boats. The only man that tried to travel this
road last winter got stuck in the mud and it took
four big husky men half of a day to get him out. Neely* has sent
three culverts for the road below Grant Roberts but
the men working are not very good swimmers, and they are afraid to
venture any further down. We sure are tired
of promises and the sound of bursting frogs. So we say, Lord, give
us Neely or give us bigger and tougher frogs.
(Signed) A MAN WITHOUT A ROAD (1940)
FITZWATER'S TRACTOR STOLEN FROM YARD?
Rick Fitzwater, well-known Calhoun banking maggot and resident of East
Hur, was scouring the neighborhood last
week for his stolen tractor. It had been down for repairs, parked in
Fitzwater's yard. After accusing Bob Weaver of
hiding the tractor and spending several hours of fretting and calling,
the tractor was discovered lodged against a
tree down the mountain above Rowels Run, having broken away. No
brakes. (1996)
MAYOR SLIDER HIRES WIFE
Dottie Hersman Slider, the first lady of Hur, not only hit the big
5-0, but she has assumed the duties as a mounted
police person for the Village of Hur. Slider appointed his wife last
week at the monthly meeting of the Social
Improvement and Upward Mobility Council, using money from President
Clinton's "cop on every corner" program.
He denied charges of favoritism, stating she was the best qualified.
Dottie was seen on a recent night traveling up
and down Hur Hill on her trusty stead, lantern in hand, singing old
Elvis Presley songs to keep awake. She did
report to The Herald that she is learning the lyrics of '"Bad boys,
bad boys.." The Council has requested she be
enrolled in a sensitivity and diversity course, which should help her
to deal with the local redneck culture. Local
educators are developing a communication course called Hurbonics 101,
which will interpret "hillbilly" white
mountain English which tends to slow speech, slur words, and utter
them in short, unintelligent statements. This
form of the spoken word is confusing to non-residents who have moved
to Hur. Slider's training will help bridge the
gap. (1996)
HUR SLOTH MONSTER
In 1957, slimy and slothful, the strange creature drug its way across
Slider Fork down the hill from the Village of
Hur, white foam dripping from it's webbed feet, leaving large frog
tracks on the blacktop. The apparition was
illuminated by flames which mysteriously appeared in the middle of the
road shortly before 1 am on a Sunday
morning in 1957. The only car to return to Hur in more than two
hours screeched to a dead halt before the strange
sight. The long hot summer had been one of contemplation about UFO's
and para-normal activity. The media had
reported the historic spotting of the Braxton County monster along
with weekly sightings of objects streaking
across the sky, not to forget the Roswell incident ten years
before. The Sloth Monster, humanoid in size, turned its
face toward the headlights of the lone car with its unidentified
occupants, the creature's webbed hands swaying
back and forth, dripping with white slime. One leg appeared to be
injured, dragging it along. The stunned driver,
motor idling, made nary a move as the monster picked up speed and
plunged into the woods. A few moments later
the flames in the middle of the road died down and the driver engaged
his car to move up the Hur Hill, speeding
away into the night darkness. Yes, dear reader, this really did
happen. On oath I declare! Now you need the rest of
the story.
SIMON GREATHOUSE ESCAPES INJURY
Million mile walker, Simon Greathouse, was less for wear a few weeks
ago when he tangled with
Dianne Weaver's electric fence.
Dianne placed the fence around her garden to keep the deer out. Simon,
a regular traveler on the
Hur-Pine Creek Road, had stopped to chat while she was gardening on
her knees. She gave several
verbal warnings about electric fences as Simon circled the patch.
"I know all about them electric fences," he said. A few minutes later
he bent over the fence, touching
his neck against the wire. The shock sent him spinning over the hill.
"Good woman, why would you
have that thing turned up that high?" Ms. Weaver replied that the
fence was to keep out wild
animals.
Simon picked himself up and walked on down the road in a meditative
state, to continue down to
Lexie Miller's to get his usual bologna sandwich and go to church at
Cremo. (1996)
THE COMING OF CHRIST
People use to hear and see things they don't hear and see in modern
times. Hollis Kerby heard an
angel choir singing when his wife, Bell died in the late 1940's.
In 1956, being a student at Calhoun County High School, I borrowed an
amplifier and some large
outside PA speakers and placed them in the bell tower of the Hur
Church. Attaching a record player
with a disk of Christmas chimes, we started playing the tunes in early
evening before the holiday and
for the entertainment of our scattered neighbors.
Shortly after the premiere performance of "Hark, the Herald Angels
Sing," the chimes ringing and
echoing across the hills. Our old Methodist preacher, the Rev. Dorsey
Miller (who lived to age 103)
wandered out on his porch.
Alarmed and excited, he dashed back in the house and cranked up the
switch operator, Lona
Starcher. "Christ is coming! Christ is Coming!" he told Lona. "No,
it's not Christ," she said. "It's just
that Bob Weaver with all his gadgets." (1997)
CRUSTY CREED LIVES ON
Eccentric Calhoun character Creed Brooks, known for his quick wit and
outstanding penmanship,
would travel to Bull River in the earlier part of this century to
express his oratory at the Literary
Society.
His dress and persona would make him an irregular at such a fine
group. Creed tended to dress
down.
Creed stories have been told so many times, much like legends of Paul
Bunyan, after a while they
become muddled. But the gist of each story remains, enough tales to
fill a "Creed Brooks
Compendium. Creed would get out on Rt. 5 above Brooksville (Big Bend)
and thumb for a ride in
either direction.
He just wanted out of the house. Creed had a predisposition for being
struck by automobiles, and
surviving the incidents with little harm. It was told that Grantsville
resident, Winfield Thomas once
struck Creed and knocked him over the hill into the weeds along the
Little Kanawha River. Crawling
back on the highway, he inquired of the terror-stricken driver - "How
much do I owe for your car,
Winfield?"
Creed, who had some knowledge of the law and was a Notary (some say a
Justice of Peace), often
hung out at Holbert's Store at Big Bend. Holbert's, other than the
Stump Funeral Home in
Grantsville, may be the oldest business in Calhoun. The Village of Big
Bend is yet referred to as
"Brooksville," because of the colorful man's presence.
A traveling salesman became interested in Creed because he never
seemed to work and inquired of
him how he kept starvation away from the door. Creed replied, "Well,
I'll tell you mister. In the
morning I eat a bowl of dried apples. At noon I drink a lot of water
and in the evening I just swell up
in time for bed."
A well-known girl of social status was walking to the high school in
Grantsville with her friends,
when she came upon the crusty, unkempt man. She announced to her
friends, "We don't speak to
trash," after which Creed replied, "My dear lady, I never fail to..."
(1998)
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